Sorry, I know it has been a while.
I’ve been trying to write this blog post for quite some time now. But in all honesty, every time I have sat down to type it, I’m at a loss for words.
For those of you who do not know, I got my heart broken this past spring. And it hurt like hell. It has taken a long time, but through the support of my friends & family, my debit card and a few too many vodka crans, I am finally ready to confront my heartbreak.
Last year, I vividly remember sitting in my bed one night after having a conversation with one of my best friends about how there was absolutely no way that me or my significant other would ever break up. Strangely enough, this did not bring me comfort. It scared me.
At 19, it seemed that my most significant trait was my relationship status.
Up until that point, so much of my life had revolved around my life with my boyfriend that I hadn’t considered how I would live it without him. I felt like I couldn’t. It was in that moment that I realized that too much of me was defined by him
And for the sake of not revealing every detail of my life on the internet: me and my boyfriend of the time decided to break up for reasons I wish to stay private.
Even though I knew in my heart that breaking up was the right thing to do, I was devastated by our split. I lost my best friend. My first love. My person. And because of that, I lost myself for a little while too.
For the weeks months proceeding my breakup with my long time boyfriend, I pretended that I wasn’t hurting as much as I actually was. Whenever my friends and family tried to talk to me about it, I gave them a vague, rehearsed answer about how the ‘timing’ just wasn’t right, or about how it was for the best. And while those things may be true, I quite literally blocked off the part of myself that was suffering deeply. And I did this because I was embarrassed. Ashamed even.
In all honesty, it was one of the first times I had failed and was forced to address that failure publicly. I felt like I had let down every single person who had been rooting for our relationship, including myself. How could I let something that seemed so meant to be get away from me like that?
I held onto this guilt for quite some time before having an epitome: it was not my responsibility to make a broken thing work. As obvious as it may seem, I finally realized that I had no obligation to fix what could not be fixed. I, and no one for that matter, is required to give up a part of themselves to keep another person whole. As one of my favorite quotes goes, “you cannot set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.” True love does not require that.
Our generation has romanticized relationships so much that the only way we recognize them as ‘real’ is if we desperately fight for them. And even though I love Chuck and Blaire just as much as the next girl, being deeply pained by a relationship is not healthy. Far from it. And I would go as far to argue that if you are on the verge of giving everything you have to fight to keep someone in your life, you should do what I did and let go. And even though that is easier said than done, it will be worth it.
Because as much as heartbreaking feels like it’s going to kill you, it never does.
I can honestly say that I have never felt so deeply connected to myself than I do right now. I am more me than I have ever been.
And that is the most beautiful part about losing the person you love the most.
I have been able to live so much more honestly and openly as a result of being single. For the first time in a while, I have been able to think clearly about what my dreams and desires are, without the fear of worrying about how I am going to fit someone else into them.
As I enter my 20’s, I want to embrace that these are my selfish years. These are the years that matter the most. The years that the best memories come from. I do not want to look back and see a girl who suffered because she spread herself too thin. I want to look back and see myself (maybe) making a few bad decisions or two, but hopefully being able to laugh about how it made me a better person. I want to look back and see a girl who took risks instead of living confined in her comfort zone. I want to look back and see someone who spent these years pursuing her ambitions and passions, not seeking approval from others. I want to look back and see a girl who chose herself before she chose another person.
So, here’s to being single. And while I honestly do love it, there are days that I love it less.
I would by lying if I was to say that there are never moments that I don’t question ever decision I have ever made, but I feel as if I have come to a point in my life that I am able to accept my decision. And to accept myself.
Love is the most crazy, mind-blowing, and awe-inspiring feeling on in the world. And because I am no longer in a relationship, I still have to remind myself that love still exists. It surrounds me everyday. And I want to end this blog post by sharing something that my younger, (but maybe even wiser?) self wrote a few years back:
“Love, I have found is the most misunderstood word in the English language. We take its definition and give it boundaries to stay within and yet, love grows most in the places where it seems most prohibited or impossible. Human culture is so obsessed with defining and categorizing things that we forget that some things just are. And still, we come up with rules, theories and conclusions to try to understand something that deep down we all know cannot be understood. It has took me a long time to realize this, but through time I have discovered that love just is. It can be anything and it can be found in anyone. It is not just one feeling, but a circuit and series of emotions. If we took the time to slow down our lives and to stop searching for love we can find it surrounding the atmosphere like air. It’s in the arms of a mother, the smile of a stranger and in the forgiveness of a sinner. No matter how dark the world may becomes we can still find hope in the sense that love never dies, but is always swimming in and consuming the hearts of each soul on this planet.”
And so if you’re just scrolling down to get the summary of this blog post it’s this: heart break sucks, but there is always a silver lining to it. Until next time.